I don’t think that I’m alone when I say that my passions and desires scare me sometimes.
Sometimes I want to be vaguely successful, able to have a good enough career to take care of my family, and simply ignore the want for more. I’ve gotten to the point in my life though where I can’t read even one paragraph of any text without having to stop to write down a million ideas that it gives me about the topic or completely irrelevant. That’s when I know that I can’t ignore it anymore. Having all these ideas and hopes and dreams is exhausting and scary sometimes. I want to be able to read a novel without thinking about how I would teach it. I want to be able to read a motivational text without having to respond to it in writing. But I can’t anymore.
Getting a further education, a masters, and possibly a PhD scares me. I know people who have gotten these things and they haven’t gotten much more than a regular paying job and debt. What if I go on for my PhD and am mediocre in the field? What if I can’t keep up with the expectations of being a professional in my field? What if I have to uproot my family to a far off place just for a job? What if I become one of those people who are over-skilled and can’t find anything? Most of these questions seem so far-fetched, but I can’t stop thinking about it. There are too many unknowns. I don’t want all this drive and passion because I feel that there is going to be too much responsibility attached.
I do know that I won’t be happy as a classroom teacher for the rest of my career. I do know that I’ve changed what I’m passionate about at least 3 times this year. First I started taking online classes for an ELD Literacy Certificate, then I decided that I wanted to be a grant writer for schools, and then I wanted to get my MA in Curriculum Development. Now I’m thinking, Why stop there? I should get my MA in Educational Leadership because then I have a HUGE range of options. But then, I think about going on the principal track and I think, There’s no way I could do that!!
Well, I couldn’t be a principal in a public school. I have way too little tact for that. I don’t like dealing with lazy, self-serving parents. I can’t even imagine it. But I could help lead the charge for school choice in San Diego. The natural grocery store owner friend said I should open up my own school. Uhhh, that sounds crazy… BUT AWESOME!! I know for a fact that there are grants available to open up charter schools and Montessori schools. I don’t know how to write grants officially yet, but I will soon.
THINGS CHANGE, YOU CAN CHANGE
I get inspired to write by anything I read. The other day I read a blog post from Jeanette Hanscome. She said, “All of this reminds me that when we are willing to step out in bravery and faith, God has the opportunity to do all kinds of cool and unexpected things! It is especially exciting when our expectations start out small and He surpasses them almost immediately.”
I would have never expected to be jobless again. I would have never planned to become as passionate a writer as I have become. I would have never expected to be going back to school to get my MA and possibly further. I would have never thought to ask God to put the specific people he has put in my life very recently. I do know that He’s putting something on my heart to do. I do know that He has placed very unique and effective educators, grant writers, university educational librarians, and community college teachers in my life very recently. I haven’t been able to piece it all together yet but it doesn’t seem like it has happened by coincidence.
I know that I’m ready to move when He is, but I have some questions for Him.
- I know that You want me to step out in faith, but could You please make the path a tiny bit more clear?
- Am I supposed to stay where I am or move? Is my future in this town or elsewhere?
- If You do want me to go on this path, could You provide some at-home job that supplements some income?